But First, Let Me Be Present Now

A lot of perfectly good starts get ruined in the idea of future. We create stories of hope and romance. We get tied up in wedding bells and M-R-S’s that we forget how good uncertainty feels.

And I know because I am guilty of it all. But I’m practicing. I’m self-checking. I’m tuning in.

I had a dream, years ago. The memory of it visits me. There was a man, tall, handsome, dark hair, and he was mine. We were in love; I could feel my own happiness. We were on a playground. I was looking at him, pushing a little girl on a swing. Our little girl. I was a wife and a mother and happy. For years this dream seemed like a memory of my future. I thought, maybe that was my Him and I would know him as soon as he entered my life, because I was given this gift. But I don’t think it works like that.

I don’t know how it works, but I don’t think scrutinizing life against a one-time dream is how it works. I don’t think I was given a message, instead I let the message hinder me—checking in against that vision versus my current. I think fate has fingers that pull strings and move people into the right timing. But can’t we humans still fuck it up? Can’t we get so wrapped up in the thought of then and we forget about now? We record concerts so we have video proof that we were there, but we never watch these videos again. YouTube has a better, less shaky supply anyway. Instead we focus on that future moment we may want to relive this experience that we lose the whole point of the experience to begin with.

I don’t want to dream about happiness. I don’t want to engage in marriage talk. And I definitely don’t want to record on my shitty smart phone a once in a lifetime experience. I just want to remember how good uncertainty and being present feels.

Plus, future focus has is a really good way to put too much pressure on something as fragile as a passing experience or the beginnings of coupledom. The future is also a fun sucker, when I just admit I don’t know, I have much more enjoyment in the now. There’s this life secret it’s taken me time as a natural planner to learn, ready? It’s totally, completely, really okay not to know. And sometimes, we aren’t supposed to know, we are just supposed to be. Because a lot of perfectly good starts get ruined in the idea of future.

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